When it all fails…

You guys?  I kind of feel like crying.  I’ve skirted around the issue for some time now, and this month just kind of brought it out to the forefront.  I’ve been ignoring a very important part of myself.  In fact, I’ve been ignoring it so vigorously in hopes that it will…just kind of fade away.  That it’ll be a part of me that I’ll remember once was.  And a part of me that I won’t miss.

But I’m lying.  To you and to me.  Because that part of me hasn’t faded away.  And I do miss it.  I have missed it.  I would miss it.  But for some inexplicable reason, I can’t bring myself to face it.

I’m not writing.

Not here.  Not there.  Not anywhere.

I second guess myself.  I think too much and get too bogged down.  I forget to turn off my [not so good and often wrong] editor.  I panic that it’s all stupid.  I worry.  What if all the work is for nothing.  What if I spent my whole life only wanting to be a writer and never actually become one.  What if my entire education ends in the tragic tale of failure.

Because right now?  I’m a failure.  And a liar.  And not a writer.  Not a writer…not a writer.

Once upon a time I found the required energy and motivation to work full time, plan a wedding and write an entire novel in just four months.  And now?  I can’t bring myself to do anything with it.  Fear is stopping me.  My errors and mistakes are stopping me.  I flip flop with the tense.  I question the plot.  What if it’s totally stupid.  What if people what the heck I wrote it for; why I wasted my time.  I can write, maybe.  As for making it something suitable for someone in any kind of writing profession to view?  I can’t do that.  I’m scared to do that.  No, terrified. 

I’m tired.

I don’t have the time.

The office isn’t finished.

It’s all, pardon my french, bullshit.  If I wanted to do it, I would.  Wouldn’t I?  Couldn’t I?

…I can’t…

[photo]

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About JoElizabeth

I am a writer who loves to explore all different types of relationships. I am most happy when surrounded by my loved ones and furry children. I've never met a stranger, and I talk way too much. My favorite things to do are eat {preferably at a restaurant} with good friends, write, watch DVDs of TV series {especially FRIENDS}, drink lots of coffee and learn.
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5 Responses to When it all fails…

  1. susielindau says:

    Kind of funny. I just wrote about motivation. Hang in there girl~~~~

  2. Corley says:

    Chin up, my friend! We’ve all been here. You’ve got a can’t and a can inside of you – and it’s completely up to you who wins each day. Don’t think that any of this is long term. Some day soon, you’ll wake up, you’ll tell yourself that today is the day you’re going to write, and you’ll be right. Some days you’ll be kidding yourself. We all do this. And I’m here if you need to talk it through.

  3. Kaleigh says:

    Oh my dear….it can be a scary world when you divulge your secrets. And that’s what a writer does. We bear our souls into our work and we become so protective and paranoid that no one will understand or that our heart will be torn to shreds by critics who can’t see the emotions and thoughts and feelings that we put into our work. That can be a lonely and hard road to travel down. But, you have to go back to the reason why you write. Are you doing it for fame and fortune? Are you hoping to gain thousands of fans and make millions of dollars? I’m not saying those things are bad ambitions, but are they the only reasons that you write? If I know you the way I think, then I know that you write becasue you are passionate about it. You love expressing yourself and throwing yourself into a story where you have creative control. You are the master of your own universe.

    In short, don’t get discouraged. There will always be doubts and things you’ll want to fix about your writing (believe me I’m constantly doing that). But one thing I want to impart on you is that the writing process will never be finished. You’ll always have something you want to change or edit or alter or reword. And even those novels that are “finished” and published are never really complete. All writers will be self conscious about their words and ideas. ALL writers will constantly strive for that unattainable perfection. Just know that you aren’t alone as a writer. Your fears are similar to what all authors feel. But you really have talent. You have abilities. You are capable of doing something. Just believe in yourself. Your writing will move others in profound ways. You just have to take that step and no matter if you fall or fly, you will always be a writer. No one can take that from you. The greatest writers didn’t always have the popularity, but they had the spirit. I think you can achieve anything.

    Plus, you just posted on your blog! That counts as writing my dear!

  4. Sarah says:

    This could very easily be something I wrote. Except I didn’t, because I’m also not writing. Blog or otherwise.

    It’s a terrible feeling, having things to say but not knowing how to say them, or to be afraid to try to say them, or whatever.

    I’ve been in my funk for so long, I don’t even know how to say it’ll be OK. But it probably will.

  5. Pingback: 2011: Year in review | hodge[s]podge

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