When my husband and I began dating, we had to decide very soon in whether or not it was worth it. If it was really something we really wanted. Because if it was just a phase, or just a crush, we ought to of saved ourselves the pain and move on before it ever even started. Because when we were falling in love, nothing good was going to come of it. Not for us at first at least. We willingly walked into the firing squad. We sacrificed a lot of our teenage carefree dating fancy free days. We didn’t go to the movies. We didn’t go on dates. We simply loved each other.
But with all of that, I had to often ask myself is this what I want. And when I’d ask myself that question, I’d immediately see all the things I wanted with him…but instead of them happening for him and I, I’d imagine them happening for him…with someone else. And the pain I’d feel squeezing my heart was sometimes too much to bare. I’d see him holding someone else’s hand. I’d see him down on one knee handing my engagement ring to someone else. I’d see him kiss a different bride. And instantly I’d know that it was what I wanted. Because I couldn’t ever bare the pain of knowing he’d found it all with someone else. And I couldn’t ever imagine myself wanting those things with anyone else.
So when I heard this song for the first time, I cried. Not because this actually happened to me, but because of all those times I’d imagined it happening.
And here we are almost eight years later. And I have all those things I ever wanted with exactly who I wanted them with. I have it all. I have our past which helped us grow up. I have our present [like sitting in the other room and smiling from ear to ear listening to him play with our pup]. And I have our future. I get to have babies with him and plan a life with him. And everything, good or bad, I encounter in all my years I’ll have a partner who protects me and loves me and keeps me safe.
And suddenly I’m seventeen all over again. I’m sitting alone in my bedroom long after my bedtime dreaming of all of this. And that voice I heard then telling me it’s all worth it I realize is me now. How did we know? I have no clue. It’s just something you feel. It’s just something in your bones. I would fight for the rest of my life for this. It’s all I ever wanted. It’s all I’ve ever needed. He’s my everything.
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.
I am so thankful it lasted.