A friend posted a quote this morning on her facebook page that put into words everything I’ve been struggling with
the last few days my whole life.
Decide what to be and go be it– The Avett Brothers
Sounds easy enough. And maybe I’ve already decided. Or maybe I haven’t. But the go and be it part…phew. That part might kill you. Or it might make you the happiest person in the world. But I sincerely feel like I’m sitting at the base of a wall so tall I can’t see where it ends. The top is so far up in the clouds I imagine it’s covered in whipped cream. And if it is, I’ll slip when I get to the top and fall all the way back down.
I’ve been here before. Unemployed and unwilling to fall back into the crowd. Or fall back into the same routine. And yet I always get back into it. I always end up knee deep into a job that hardly pays the bills and fills me to my brim with hate. And I can’t tell if it’s just me? If it’s just the job? Or if everyone feels like this. Do you? Do you all hate going to work?
I remember when I graduated high school, I had a few friends who decided a few weeks into college that it just wasn’t right for them. Or it just wasn’t right right now. Am I meant to work? Am I meant to work right now? When I was home last week, my mom said I remind her of a fish out of water: flopping around. I feel that way.
I feel like my writing career will never happen (maybe that’s because my novel has been sitting half edited in my desk drawer), and I feel like I’m going to be destined to work just a job.
My confession for today isn’t a much of a secret. In fact, if you’re someone who knows me in real life (or is even just a regular reader), you know this already. I want nothing more than to wake up every morning at a certain time. I want to eat my breakfast and have my coffee then retreat into my office. And I want to write. I want to be a writer.
The desire is there. The talent? Well, that’s all still in question. But maybe this is just one of those situations where I just need to fake it until I make it. I’m not getting paid right now as it is. Right? I’m unemployed (you all may have missed that chapter where I lost my job…that’s okay because it got ripped out). But maybe I just need to make all of this happen for myself.
Because, as I’ve said before, no one is going to make it happen for me.