Things that define you. You can’t tell me that it’s not on your mind at some point. Who am I, you ask yourself. Who do people see me as? If you’re anything like me, you’ve struggled with this identity after graduation. I was always best defined as Student first, anything and everything else second. Of course I was a girlfriend and a sister and a daughter and an employee, and I held those with the utmost importance, but I was always a student. And I was always a good student. I liked having a full agenda full of assignments that challenged and frustrated me. I enjoyed the feeling of relief when a paper I’d pulled an all-nighter on had been turned in, left in the fate of my professor and his red pen. And somehow, we all survived.
To me, theres comfort in the buildings where knowledge is passed on. Book bags and notebooks are my friends. Classrooms were where I was always most comfortable.
So you’re probably wondering how I ended up where I am now. A confused writer with a scratched novel and a new job as an assistant manager of an apartment community. I don’t have an answer for you. Well, maybe I do. But it’s not one that most people are comfortable admitting, but maybe I’m hoping if I share my fears, others will feel it’s safe for them too.
Fear and intimidation are how I ended up here. Why? Well, when you fail at something you don’t care about, is it really a failure? It’s easier to pick up the pieces and move on to the next when there isn’t much invested in the life you’re leading. If you find that you’re no good at what you’re doing when you’re not a fan of it anyway, it doesn’t hurt as badly. It all just seemed…easier.
My biggest fear in life is failing at the things I want to do. If I fail at the things I have to do, that’s one thing. So maybe I failed at paying my credit card bills on time for about a year. I paid the consequences and moved on with a lesson learned. And that’s all behind me now I am happy to say. But if you fail at things you want to do, can you really walk away from it that easily? If you fail, will you continue to have the strength to keep trying? I’m weak, I’ll admit. I’m weak and scared and intimidated by the things that matter to me.
Little by little, I’m mustering courage. I find my mind wandering as I see the goals at work falling short. I find my heart longing for something else, something I’m afraid to fail at. And each day I spend doing the things I have to do rather than doing what I want to do push me in the right direction.
A leap of faith is sometimes the absolute hardest leap to ever take. You don’t know where you’ll end up. You might fail. You might be changed.
Walt Disney said it best when he said All your dreams can come true if you have the courage to pursue them.
Next stop? Become a certified high school English teacher and published novelist.
And I am scared to death. But what do they say about fear? If you’re scared that means you have something to lose? Yeah. So here’s to putting it all on the line.