Let’s talk seriously for a second, if we can. If you could just lend me your ear, and maybe just tell me you know exactly what I mean. That might help. But me? I’m a words person. And words…well. They stick with me.
And that is a wonderful horrible thing. I remember them all. All if it. And the fact is, good or bad, they’ll always be there. And truth be told…I hold on a lot more to the bad than the good. Because those sting. Most often, when someone is mean to you, you remember the feeling. Well. I remember the feelings and what was said. Always. I could probably relay to you, word for word, every fight I’ve ever had.
And if you ask me? I’d take sticks and stones any day. I’d much rather have a broken bone or a deep gash. Because I at least know that those eventually go away. It’s science. What’s broken will mend.
I replay things over and over again in my head. It’s a tape on repeat all the time. That wears on you. It breaks you down. It tears you apart. And the fact is, I can forgive…but I cannot ever forget. And that hurts. Because when I have to play nice, it only makes me hate more.
I ask for strength every single day. I ask for guidance all the time. And yet, I haven’t a clue where to begin to fix this. What do you do when someone has done and said such horrible things, and you still have to play nice? Because me? Well. I can’t forget. And I don’t want to play nice anymore.