It’s inevitable that during such joyous times, you remember the ones who should be here who aren’t. It’s such a bummed out feeling.
When I was a little girl and dreamt about getting married, I didn’t know much about the day. I didn’t know who the guy was. I didn’t know what style dress would be popular. I didn’t even care about the flowers. But I did know one thing: who would be the one marrying me and my soon to be husband. And you know what? He’s not here anymore, and that bums me out. I knew I could count on him to make me laugh when I’d start to cry…because once I start there is no stopping unless someone breaks the tension. He’d do that, you know? Man, I miss him.
Sometimes it makes me wonder how life is fair. How is that when I watch the news I hear of people getting murdered left and right? How is possible that God allowed those murderers to still walk this Earth but HE’S gone? How does that make any sense at all?
It’s been almost three years, and sometimes it still feels like it’s all a bad dream. That one afternoon he’s just going to come bouncing through our back door like it was all some terrible joke. I wouldn’t even be mad at him if he did. A hug would be nice. Plus, if I had a nickel for all the times during these preparations we’d said the words “it’d be much easier if you know who were here,” I’d be able to pay for this wedding. His absence screams at us every single day. He was scared he’d die a lonely old priest. Man, he was so very wrong.
I wonder if he knows how much we miss him? I mean, I’m sure he does because I have to believe he does. Not that this carries much weight, but I watch One Tree Hill. And what Hailey is going through right now with losing her mom…I get it. I get that stuck in a depressed state feeling. I get wanting to find hope and comfort in the sighting of an Owl, we get comforted when we see a Frog. Yes, it might be weird…but we all have to hold on to something-don’t we?
Every joyous thing our family encounters from now on will weigh a little heavier on our hearts. Because we carry around his loss with us all the time. We just can’t help but miss him.