As the day inches closer, I’m shutting down. Why is that? Every once in a while I catch a reminder that although what is coming is just so so exciting, everything is changing. I don’t do so well with change. I will just grit my teeth (literally…they hurt) and bare it. That sounds terrible. I don’t mean that the way it sounds, either. I promise. I want to get married. I do. But does that really have to mean that I move away from everything I’ve ever known and everything that has ever felt comfortable? I’m focusing on the wrong part of this glorious day. I even said to my mom today that it’s been so long that I actually don’t even remember what it’s like to be with J all the time. It’s really been since he moved back into his mom’s house back in September. Our time together grew shorter and shorter, then he moved to GA in January. I miss him terribly, and I just can’t wait to be with him all the time. See, that’s a better perspective, don’t you think?
Now, thinking about the future makes me think about things I want. And that’s a long, long list of things that don’t make any sense.
I want my book to get published. I want to have and know how to use an awesome camera. I want to know more about the internets. I want to be an amazing amazing wife. I want to learn how to cook more than just mac and cheese and teriyaki everything. I want to get a job. You know, a job that I can actually stand and that pays the bills with ease. Do those exist? I want to be happy. I want to stop feeling like something heavy is sitting on my chest. I want things to settle down, please. Just for a little while at least. I want a puppy. I want my cat to stop peeing on things. I want our home to be comfortable and cute. I want DVR cable. I want to make friends in GA, and I’m terrified I won’t. How do you even make friends when you’re out of school? Really. I want to have date nights with my husband. I want to learn things. I want to be a better version of myself. Hey, I’ll take the girl I was in high school, if she’s running around anywhere. I want…I want…I want…
I guess what I’m saying is, I’m on the brink of something major. And I’m wonderfully terrified.