Today’s assignment: What tortures you and awakens you at night?
Lately, my nightmares have been about my upcoming wedding. For those of you who know me, know that my relationship situation isn’t exactly the easiest (or at least our history isn’t). We have struggled with parental approval for a very long time, and we had to fight to be together. Though we are now adults and taking a giant step together, these fears still find my in my sleep sometimes. Fears that something will go significantly wrong on our wedding day. I’m not talking about the flowers not getting delivered or a drunken speech by a best man or maid of honor. I’m talking about someone creating a irreparable scene. That, however, is not what haunts me.
In all of my nightmares recently (whether they relate to the wedding or not) have a very dominant theme: betrayal and abandonment. Someone I love and trust hurts me. And in my waking hours this is what I fear the most. I have trust issues to begin with that seed from bad relationships in high school (both friend and boy). So my biggest fear is putting my faith and trust in people who don’t take it seriously, who don’t treat it with kid gloves. In every one of my nightmares, I am left standing alone whether literally or figuratively.
I am a people person who likes her alone time. Just because I like to be alone sometimes doesn’t mean that I don’t need the support of my loved ones. I was also the person that got talked about behind my back all through middle and high school. That leaves you paranoid. When people are laughing and I didn’t hear the joke, I feel anxious.
So I guess ultimately I am tortured by my self. I make myself paranoid. I worry so long and hard about being left in the dark, being alone, and being betrayed that I am haunted by it in my sleep.
What tortures you? What do you fear the most?