Isn’t it funny how songs can bring you back? Certain songs can seriously put me smack dab right in the middle of a moment from my past. most of the time it’s something that hurts. most of the time tears flood my eyes. it’s that heart stopping breathtaking (not in a good way) feeling. why is that? i’m not sure i understand.
i’ve been thinking a lot about my past lately. i think it’s really because i’ve been happy. how could i not be? i’ve been surrounded by my family a lot recently. i’m getting married to the most wonderful man. i’ve finally got another job (and a good one at that). i think part of me is masochistic. as if i don’t feel whole unless i’m hurting. that doesn’t sound right…? i think i’ve just grown so accustomed to being wounded on the inside that it almost feels wrong to not be.
i got to thinking about breakups. i think most of that is due in part to the fact that i wont ever have to deal with another breakup of my own for as long as i live. at least–that’s the plan, right? i think jonathan & i may be the only people left on this planet that enter marriage with that responsibility in this day in age. unhappy? just divorce. things get hard? divorce. don’t like his shirt? divorce. my generation’s got it all wrong. i’m happy to know that i’m with someone who will work just as hard as i will to make sure our marriage lasts. i’m lucky. i know this.
back to breakups. there is nothing like that kind of pain. breaking up is a specific breed of hurt that cannot be replicated in any other form. someone doesn’t want you anymore. you aren’t good enough anymore. someone is walking away from you. you had something and now you’ve lost it. i feel like people could study relationships and breakups as long as we are on this earth and still not understand them. what is it about the necessity for all the wrong people to come into our lives and fool us into believing they are the right ones that keeps people searching? wouldn’t you think that after failing miserably on several occasions and experiencing that world altering hurt we’d just quit? we’d give up? we’d figure it wasn’t worth it? what is it about our innate nature to know and believe that love is worth all the crap we put ourselves through? now, i’m not saying that it’s not, but HOW do we know this when we’re looking for it? and if we know that love is so worth it, why don’t we just understand that when a relationship ends that it’s a good thing. it brings us one step closer (one failed miserable relationship closer) to our perfect love? we all do it. we’ve all been surrounded by a sea of snotty tissues with that horribly romantic sad song on repeat going over & over every single thing in our minds wondering what it is that we did wrong. you start to second guess yourself. you stare at yourself in the mirror for hours scrutinizing every little detail about yourself. both physically and emotionally. something about you just wasn’t good enough, and you are bound and determine to figure out what it is & fix it–and win the loser back. WHY oh why do we do this to ourselves? you would think that most of us would have enough self respect to not subject ourselves to the inevitable rejection when we seek the one who left us. nope. we just don’t think clearly–that’s it. love (even the evil twin who masquerades as real love) has the power to make even the most confidant of person sink to the level of self mutilation. i know they say that humans are the smartest animals, but sometimes i wonder if human emotions have the ability to make us the dumbest too. birds mate for life. but birds don’t date for fifteen years first finding only the birds who cause pain and low self-esteem before they find and settle down with their life mates. birds also lack emotion. maybe they are smarter than us after all.
i don’t know that we’ll ever understand what it is that makes us keep searching, but let me assure you that the search (no matter any amount of pain and rejection–and i’ve had my fair share of both) is completely worth it. when you find that right one, sometimes you know right away. for others it takes some time. either way–once you realize it, it will change your life. i know i’m one of the lucky ones to have gone through all my breakups before graduating high school (some could say i was on the accelerated course to find that perfect love) but the pain i carry with me from each failed relationship is what reminds me of how wonderful it is to have someone in my life who loves me regardless of all of my flaws.
so if i could give any advice on the subject at all, it would be to embrace all the wrong ones for what they are. enjoy your happy phase with them, and mourn the loss like you need to when it ends. but always keep in mind that as much as it hurts- it’s a good thing. it’s a happy thing (if you can even manage to think happy thoughts at the time).
even knowing what i know now, i still don’t know that i’d wish away my past and my breakups. i actually feel like i owe my compassion for other people, my desire to help others and my empathetic ear to the pain i’ve experienced in my past. i hate to say it, but i feel like my breakups are responsible for a good portion of my passion for writing and my desire to give guidance. i had some very important people in my life who helped me through all my pain, but not everyone has that. not everyone has someone they can go to–and even if they have someone to vent to, they may not have someone who can actually help them. my breakups have made me that person.
so let yourself love. let yourself get hurt. let yourself find the one who will be both the love of your life and your best friend. it is so so so worth it!