Here I am sitting in my 5th room of my college career. I can rearrange my surroundings as much as I want, but I can’t seem to escape the person I am and the person I want to be. Do you ever wish to wake up one morning to a clean slate? All your past mistakes erased and the opportunity to start all over. I wish that every night before I fall asleep. I wish to be myself in a different world, a better world. A world that I didn’t destroy for my own self. I have created more trouble than good recently, and I’m not sure how to escape it. “Trouble is easier to get into than to get out of” I passed that sign on the road the other day. It’s more than true.
How do you get past things that hurt? How do you move on? How do you start over?
Trying to find serenity in a world of hatred and chaos.
This is a piece of a post from my old live journal. The post is dated August 11, 2007 (12:50pm). I was just about to start my senior year of college. It was only a few weeks after Uncle John died. I’m sure I was still digesting that (which I wish I could go back and tell my former self that no matter what I did, the pain doesn’t ever go away. It’s 2 years later. It still hurts just as badly as it did the day I got the phone call. Trust me)–but it doesn’t change the fact that this “person i don’t like” theme played a pretty dominant role in most of my college years posts. I really made a huge mess of my college life. I’m not the kind of person to have regrets, but I do wish I would have known then what I know now. So here it is, my advice to my former self.
-don’t take things so freaking seriously. you’re young! have fun!
-hug Uncle John every. single. dag-gone. chance. you. get. you’ll miss him so much when he’s gone.
-WALK AWAY when Bank of America offers you a credit card. you’ll hate yourself for accepting it. it wont be until you’re out of school for a very long time before you pay it off. you will ruin your credit. RUN AWAY!
-don’t get sucked into the excitement of joining a sorority–and if you do–actually make the most of it. stop worrying about what the people really think of you (they might actually like you) and enjoy your time with them.
-please don’t waste your entire senior year waiting for a proposal. it does eventually happen at the very right time.
-make friends. real friends. you don’t have to go through everything alone.
-don’t forget to take home a sweet little kitty from the Wal-Mart parking lot. he will eventually break your heart, but it will be totally worth it.
-play in the snow. you won’t see much of it once you graduate :)
-learn to cook & spend less money eating out. this will save you lots of money in the future.
i’m sure i could go on, but what’s the point, right? i am where i am because all of the things i wish i could change from back then.
it almost embarrasses me to have to admit that at some point i felt that hopeless. i guess we all go through a phase where we just don’t know which direction we’re headed in, all of mine just happen to be documented. as much as it hurt me to go back and read some of my old posts, i’m happy to have them. they help me to realize how very happy i am exactly where i am right now. they help me realize that i am perfectly happy to be exactly who i am.