…But I still miss you

Happy Birthday to you.  Happy Birthday to you.  Happy Birthday, Dear Uncle John.  Happy Birthday to you.

51.
Though there isn’t a day that passes me by that I don’t think of you, there are certain days that are harder than others.  July 1st is one of them.  Your Birthday.  Your fun-day.  A day where you were celebrated like you should have been every. single. day.  We took you for granted, you know?
You’re everywhere.  When you died, people tried to comfort us by telling us You know…he’s not really gone.  He’s with you always.  You are. 
You’re in my car.  Every time I get behind the wheel I feel you there with me.  I remember your advice about passing cars parked on the side of the road.  I remember how you used to put your entire arm in front of my body when you came to a sudden stop–as if you were going to single handedly protect me from any outside harm.  I remember your bit about a paraplegic race car driver.
You’re in our house.  I swear that every time the back door opens I think it’s you.  I can see you leaning against the side island–your arms folded over your belly–snacking on something quick while Mom cooks dinner.  I can hear your jaw pop.  
You’re in church.  I find myself making my eyes go blurry during Mass.  If I do this, Fr. Tighe almost resembles you.  Almost.  I see you on the altar.  I see you raise up your hands and close your eyes.  I can hear your voice bellowing.  
You’re not really in my dreams anymore, though.  I haven’t seen you lately.  Maybe you were right in your last “visit.”  Maybe after a certain period of time you aren’t able to visit anymore.  I really hope that’s not true.  Forever is a long time to live without you.
I’m getting married, but I’m sure you know that already.  Jonathan and I are finally tying the knot.  I wish you were going to be the one to join us forever.  Planning a wedding without your input feels weird.  Anything big that happens in our lives without you feels weird.
Sometimes I still don’t get it.  I can’t actually wrap my head around the fact that you aren’t coming back.  It’s almost been two years, and I can still seem to fool myself into thinking that you’re just visiting your family in CA–or wandering Disney World.  I think about the last time I saw you–or at least what I think is the last time I saw you.  I almost can’t remember.  I was up in the bonus room and you were leaving through the side door.  You hollered your goodbye.  I wish I would have hugged you.  If only I had known.
Somehow or another we have managed to survive without you.  That doesn’t mean it isn’t hard.  It doesn’t mean we don’t miss you.  It doesn’t change the fact that we need you.  We’re coping.  We’re managing.  We miss you.  
I could write forever about what you mean to us and how much we miss you, and it still wouldn’t be enough.  You live through our memories, through our stories, through our tears.  You worried you’d die a lonely old priest.  Boy were you wrong.
Happy Birthday, Uncle John.  Keep an eye on us down here.  We need it.
We don’t talk about it 

We never wanted you to go 

It’s so sad to think that we can’t hang in your basement anymore 
The hurt it stays inside us 
Cause our feelings we don’t show 
But we’ll miss the days when we were flying underneath the floor 

Ya know, we’re gonna miss you now that you’re gone 
As we’re livin’, we just don’t think about our friends movin’ on 
But we’re gonna miss you now that you’re gone 
And if you need fun, you know we’ll be here when you come back home 
So come back home, yeah 

Well I know that movin’ on is part of stayin’ 
At where you need to be 
But we just don’t wanna let go 
Of all those drunken memories 
And now when we get together 
Things just won’t be the same 
No we won’t make it through one geeked-up night 
Without mentioning your name 

Ah, cause we’re gonna miss you now that you’re gone 
As we’re livin’, we just don’t think about our friends movin’ on 
But we’re gonna miss you now that you’re gone 
And if you need fun, you know we’ll drink more than one when you come back home 
So come back home, yeah 
Come back home 

And why do things change 
Why can’t they stay the same? 
Do we have to face the pain 
of not feeling that good again? 

Ah, cause we’re gonna miss you now that you’re gone 
As we’re livin’, we don’t have time to think of our friends movin’ on 
But we’re gonna miss you now that you’re gone 
And if you need fun, you know we’ll be here when you come back home 
So come back home, yeah 
Come back home 

We don’t talk about it 
We never wanted you to go 
It’s so sad to think that we can’t hang in your basement anymore 
Corey Smith, The Basement

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About JoElizabeth

I am a writer who loves to explore all different types of relationships. I am most happy when surrounded by my loved ones and furry children. I've never met a stranger, and I talk way too much. My favorite things to do are eat {preferably at a restaurant} with good friends, write, watch DVDs of TV series {especially FRIENDS}, drink lots of coffee and learn.
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One Response to …But I still miss you

  1. Pingback: Happy birthday to you… | hodge[s]podge

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